Musings of a Demon
by Midnight-hunter
Summary: Basically, this is Brian looking back on his thoughts at the Death of Glitter concert. Mentions of BrianCurt


A/N: Yay; I finally got this thing typed up! Okay, so it hasn't been around that long, but still! Anyway, if you're reading this, than thank you for giving this fic a chance; it's my second VG fanfic and the only one I thought was good enough to post. Like most of you, I don't own any of these characters, but I wished I owned at least Brian and Curt (because you can't have one without the other). Really, all I wanted to do was dedicate this fic to my dear friend Deanna AKA Gothic Comedian, who is glitterific (she came up with that word and now I am stealing it). It was our Velvet Goldmine RP that got the wheels turning, and I have another fic in the works that I hope to finish and post soon, but with me you never know. Anywho, enough of my jabbering, and on with the fic!

Musings of a Demon

His voice, though low, rose above the dull roar of the crowd, and the pure pain of it overwhelmed me, threatening to bring on the all too familiar sting of tears that I tried so hard to suppress and numb with the rush of cocaine. I watched him from the corner of the stadium, pulling the brim of my hat down low, in case anyone should glance my way; they would recognize me instantly. It was rather ironic really; there was a time when when I'd wanted everyone to recognize my face, to know who I was. Now, it's the last thing that I want.

He was still so beautiful, but then, that didn't surprise me in the slightest. He'd once called me the loveliest man in Europe, though I would have to say that his beauty rivaled mine; albeit in a completely different way. While mine had been described as delicate, ethereal, and even otherworldly, his was more rough, untamed, and one might even say exotic. He reminded me of a wild tiger trapped in a cage; completely unpredictable and so bloody beautiful.

I knew that I was the root of his pain and it was killing me inside, but I could never apologize. I knew he'd take me back in an instant. Curt was always like that; always willing to forgive and forget, at least when it came to the people that he loved, and I don't think he loved anyone more than he loved me. But if someone spurned me, I never let it go, no matter how much I cared about them. My reasoning was always that, if they truly loved me, they wouldn't hurt me. Horrible reasoning really; people fight, and often say things they don't mean. However, I couldn't very well accept that, because many arguments (this one in particular) had been started by me, and my pride would never allow me to take the blame for anything, even if my heart was ready and willing to do so.

As I watched Curt pour his soul out to the crowd, I felt a pair of eyes watching me and I turned. Through the mass of people I spotted Mandy, platinum blonde hair pulled back and a disbelieving look on her face. I hated that she had spotted me but I knew she wouldn't say a word to Curt; she wouldn't hurt him like that. I think they both saw themselves as survivors of some great tragedy. They had both escaped from under my shadow, from the monster that I had become. They had forged a kind of bond from that; a bond that never failed to surprise me, considering they had constantly been at each other's throats when Curt and I had been together. Even from a distance I could see the faintest trace of bitterness in her eyes, but after what I'd put her through I didn't blame her.

Despite all that though, I had to admit that she still looked as lovely as ever. Mandy had always been beautiful, and that would never change. There had been a point in my life where I had loved her, and yet my betrayal of her didn't pain me as much as it should have. Really, in her own way, Mandy had been as false as I was, but in a more innocent way. She wanted desperately to be accepted by others, and so she had created her image, but at the heart of it was a true and genuine human being. I had lost myself to Maxwell Demon; I had put him above everything, even the people I held dearest to me. Seeing Mandy again, looking at me as she was, was a cold reminder of that.

Not wanting to be reminded of the past any longer, I tore my gaze away from Mandy but immedietely got caught by another who had apparently been watching me. Even from a distance I caught the flash of a jeweled hoop earring and I almost caught myself laughing. The kid was just another hopeless fan, another lost soul trying to find its niche in the world. All he had found was a temporary home for it, one that would all too quickly disappear. After all, that's what this night was all about, wasn't it; people saying good-bye to an empty dream?

The kid had turned back to Curt and I did as well, one last time. He had been the only thing in this whole mess that had been real and he looked heartbreakingly alone in this mass of glitter and flashing lights. Before he caught sight of me, I pulled up the collar of my coat and walked away, turning my back on a world I had once ruled, and the man that had taken its place in my heart.

Fin


End file.
